Harry Potter and Sylvester Stallone
by NicAbriGz
Summary: Parody of HP: SS/PS film not book, don't flame me if you don't like it, trust me I'm a huge Potter fan myself!
1. Doorstep Delivery through Keeper of the ...

Dumbledore: La de da, look at this cool wizard invention, it's my street lamp powered cigarette lighter. Wow this is so much fun, the street is in darkness. Oh hello Minerva, I didn't see you there.  
  
McGonagall: That's because it's dark you dolt! Are all the rumors true?  
  
Dumbledore: Of course they are! Hagrid will bring the boy, I made that choice, as it is wise, just like me, I am wise!  
  
McGonagall: Oh dear me.  
  
Hagrid: *lands his flying motorbike (what the hell?)* Here you are Professor.  
  
Dumbledore: Call me Lord, Hagrid, call me Lord.  
  
Hagrid: Ok, I was only trying to dump off this child who is sleeping and has an ugly scar.  
  
Dumbledore: That is a famous scar, you suck famous boy with scar.  
  
McGonagall: Should we really leave him here with muggles, he is famous after all!  
  
Dumbledore: No, he is famous, he sucks. Let's leave this redundant scene now by going through his scar into the title.  
  
Fans: GET ON WITH IT!  
  
Aunt Petunia: Get up you stupid boy who sucks!  
  
Harry: Yes, Aunt Petunia.  
  
Dudley: Let's go to the zoo! Get up now, boy who sucks!  
  
Aunt Petunia: Cook the breakfast, boy who sucks.  
  
Harry: Yes Aunt Petunia.  
  
Dudley: I want more presents! I want to go to the zoo!  
  
Uncle Vernon: No funny business at the zoo, boy who sucks!  
  
Brief Author Comment: Does anyone else see this incredibly bad and quite obvious attempt at foreshadow? I mean come on, but hey, I didn't write the screenplay!  
  
Dudley: Hey boring snake, move! Uncle Vernon: MOVE!  
  
Snake: .  
  
Dudley: This snake is worse than the boy who sucks!  
  
Harry: Hey cool, I'm better than someone.  
  
Snake: Hiss hiss hiss!  
  
Harry: Hiss hiss hiss yourself!  
  
Snake: Thank you for making this glass disappear, hiss, bye-bye now!  
  
Dudley: I am dumb, I will fall in a pond, oh shit! I'm trapped!  
  
Harry: It was magic!  
  
Uncle Vernon: Boy who sucks, there is no such thing as magic!  
  
Harry: I got a letter.  
  
Uncle Vernon: No give it to me; I love committing federal crimes!  
  
Harry: OK, I surrender.  
  
Dursleys: GASP!  
  
Uncle Vernon: This is a nice hut on a friggen rock in the middle of the damn sea. Now boy who sucks cannot get post! Downsides: no more federal crimes and I can't get my mail from that large company regarding my finances.  
  
Dudley: I will sleep on this couch with my watch hanging over the edge, quite conveniently.  
  
Harry: I will lie on a Tonto rug and give myself a birthday gift. How pathetic and cheap is that, like when Iraq had a 100% voter turnout and Saddam Hussein won by 100%, what's that, voting for yourself, come on!  
  
Door: Bang Bang Bangity Bang!  
  
Uncle Vernon: My big gun will scare him off!  
  
Hagrid: Ooops, I just don't understand you muggles and your doorknobs, now hobbit doors I understand, granted I'm too big to fit in a hobbit's house but.  
  
Uncle Vernon: Who are you? Leave my house!  
  
Hagrid: No, I will make your gun bang the ceiling by bending it!  
  
Uncle Vernon: Leave!  
  
Hagrid: No, I am here to get Harry.  
  
Harry: Who is Harry?  
  
Hagrid: Why you are!  
  
Harry: No, I am the boy who sucks!  
  
Hagrid: See that ugly scar, that means you are a wizard and have been cursed so you're famous and so therefore you are coming with me and I will call you Harry as Lord Dumbledore got a new ring and it says to call you Harry now, even though there are only nine rings.  
  
Everyone: Lost.  
  
Hagrid: Come with me Harry!  
  
Harry: OK, gee I hope it doesn't take long to get used to the name Harry, I was just starting to accept boy who sucks. 


	2. Diagon Alley through Nick and Other Resi...

Hagrid: Harry, let's go to the pub now.  
  
Harry: OK, I want to see if I'm really famous.  
  
Bar people: You are.  
  
Harry: Let's have a scene where I am bad a t acting now, has anyone else noticed how slowed my reactions are.  
  
Hagrid: Let's go to the bank, I need to do some special work for Lord.  
  
Harry: Does it concern the Mafia?  
  
Hagrid: Worse!  
  
Harry: Wowweee, my parents were rich folks.  
  
Hagrid: Now for my vault.  
  
Harry: Wow, Hagrid, your parents were poor.  
  
Mr. Ollivander: Look, a famous kid walked in my shop. He must be rich, let's sell him some expensive sticks.  
  
Harry: Look at me I am ruining your shop.  
  
Mr. Ollivander: That's ok; I'll just sell you and ultra expensive wand!  
  
Harry: OK, can I have a curious one?  
  
Mr. Ollivander: Sure kid, have the one that's brother gave you that scar.  
  
Harry: Nifty!  
  
Hagrid: Happy birthday Harry! I bought you an owl called Jon.  
  
Hagrid: By the way Harry, an evil wizard cursed you. I can't spell his name. He killed your mom and dad though!  
  
Harry: Oh Voldemort, yeah he was the guy in all those Halloween movies, I especially enjoyed H2O.  
  
Hagrid: Halloween? Movies? No, he was a bad wizard.  
  
Harry: Oh, ok.  
  
Harry: Blimey! My ticket says 9 ¾, damn; I was never good with fractions!  
  
Mrs. Weasly: Oh my dear boy; just walk through that wall and don't worry about math.  
  
Ginny: Yeah it's easy, and I don't even go to Hogwarts!  
  
Ron: Can I sit with you, people won't let me sit in their cars.  
  
Harry: Sure.  
  
Ron: I'm Ron.  
  
Harry: I'm famous and rich.  
  
Ron: Oh, can I see the scar?  
  
Harry: Hey, sure! Oh, it appears you are too poor to buy candy so I will show off and buy the whole cart.  
  
Ron: Cool!  
  
Hermione: Hey guys, I'm a bossy witch. I am so sure I'll be in Gryffindor that I'm already wearing Gryffindor robes. Go me! Oh and I like you famous kid, let me fix your glasses, I don't like you, you redhead so I will comment on how unhygienic you are!  
  
McGonagall: They are going to be ready for you in the great hall soon, but we aren't now because Malfoy forgot to introduce himself on the train and we figure that it's better late than never.  
  
Children: OK!  
  
Malfoy: Hey I'm Draco; I'm bad but hot. (In real life)  
  
Harry: I disagree.  
  
Malfoy: I want to be your friend because that scar means you are cool. My other friends really suck and have dumb names, Crabbe and Goyle. Ha, see?  
  
Harry: I like those names.  
  
Ron: I don't.  
  
Malfoy: Go to hell, Weasly, my family kicks more ass than yours does.  
  
Ron: I am going to act like that didn't make me want to cry.  
  
McGonagall: Now the scene can begin.  
  
Sorting Hat: Weasly goes to Gryffindor and so does the bossy witch as well as Harry and Neville and Seamus and some other crappy 1st years. Malfoy and his friends with dumb names can go to Slytherin and some other characters who don't pertain to the plot can go to the other two houses.  
  
Dumbledore: I get to do a cool golf clap now.  
  
McGonagall: Lord Dumbledore has some words to say.  
  
Dumbledore: Don't go into the forest. Don't go to the forbidden corridor. I won't tell you which one it is because I hope a student goes there on accident and Filch catches them. By the way, call me Lord, and students may notice the new Hobbit doors I had installed this summer.  
  
Children: Yay! Let's clap and eat! Yum!  
  
Ghosts: Fly around, whee!  
  
Sir Nicholas: My head almost comes off.  
  
Hermione: Gross!  
  
Harry: Cool! 


End file.
